50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet

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It may sound romantic, but in search of that elusive metaphor, poets can be somewhat  “eccentric.”

  1. If you date a poet everyone will think you are the jerk they are writing about.
  2. You will be the jerk they are writing about.
  3. They have an unnatural affection for book stores and office supply stores.
  4. They have deep conversations with Animals, Clouds, and Grecian Urns.
  5. Excessive use of  “poetry hands.”
  6. Excessive abuse of  “poetic licence.”
  7. Excessive use of  “melancholy.”
  8. Excessive use of  “dramatic emphasis.”
  9. They collect obscure words that have not been in circulation for at least 100 years or more.
  10. They insert these antediluvian words into conversations just to rebel.
  11. They think children’s books are sublime.
  12. They refuse to care where the remote is.
  13. All of their furniture are positioned around windows, for them to stare out for hours at a time.
  14. Your parents will think they are possessed.
  15. They are possessed.
  16. You will lose all arguments, or feel so guilty from causing them more emotional pain, you will wish you had lost.
  17. They will secretly judge your metaphors.
  18. They carry a notebook everywhere and let everyone see it but you.
  19. They hoard pens and refuse to let you borrow them.
  20. They are obsessed with incredibly depressing films.
  21. They listen to every single kind of music you can imagine, even Brazilian monkey howling listening for universal truth.
  22. They keep conversations going way too long.
  23. You will never know if they agree with you or are just following you down the rabbit hole to see how crazy you are.
  24. They will visit other rabbit holes.
  25. They can’t keep secrets.  It will come out thinly veiled and mythologized in their poetry.
  26. It takes a least a week to a year for them to form their opinion, and that opinion is subject to change, because they are always questioning themselves.
  27. They speak in rhyme all the time.
  28. They talk to everyone, which a lot of people find scary, especially at the grocery store.
  29. They don’t understand why if murder, rape, slavery, and genocide are illegal, then why is war legal?
  30. They actually think people need to be protected from Monsanto, instead of protecting Monsanto.
  31. They do not understand why all of a sudden group “X” is hated by everyone.
  32. They don’t understand the global threat of Dandelions and why they must be eradicated the with toxic chemicals.
  33. They refuse to care about celebrities.
  34. They are rebels and purposely wear white shoes after Labor Day.
  35. They think espresso machines and tiny cups are magic.
  36. They refuse to #textspeak.  They invented #textspeak.
  37. They will  make you empty out your head and heart like junk drawers and question everything in them.
  38. They can not live without passion.
  39. There will be drama.
  40. They crave plot twists.
  41.  Their greatest fear is no will understand their allusions.
  42. They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds.
  43. Their euphemisms will never measure up.
  44. They can only live or visit cities with poetry open mics.
  45. Whatever is wrong, they have a tea for it, and probably a cookie, definitely a wine.
  46. They attempt to interject malapropisms into every conversation.
  47. They have their own antagonist and nemesis.
  48. They sneak dord into conversations in an attempt to make it a real word.
  49. They abuse asyndetons.
  50. But the most important reason never to date a poet is that poetry is an addiction, and before you know it, you will be the addict in search of your next metaphoric hit of universal truth.

So, You were warned!

215 thoughts on “50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet

  1. Brilliant, I really enjoyed your post. I’m sure you’ve had enough of people adding their own, but number 51 might be that poets are the only people who genuinely care that the words ‘aposiopesis’ and ‘Asyndeton’ exist.

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  2. Pingback: The Poet~ | Marcus' s Space

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  4. That was, ah, quite poetic! :)
    i am, or at least consider myself to be a poet, and plenty of those apply to me!!!

    That was great!
    Thanks!

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  5. Hi,

    I was wondering if I could use this article for a poetry pamphlet I’m going to submit for publication? I’d just like to quote a couple of your ‘reasons.’
    I would, of course, credit you and your blog.

    Publication is not guaranteed, obviously, but I’d let you know if it were.
    Thanks,
    Evie

    Like

  6. YES. If you date a poet everyone will think you are the jerk they are writing about.
    NO. EVERYTHING IS FICTION. You will be the jerk they are writing about.
    LIKE MUSICIANS FOR INSTRUMENT STORES. They have an unnatural affection for book stores and office supply stores.
    NO. EVERYTHING SPEAKS. They have deep conversations with Animals, Clouds, and Grecian Urns.
    NO Excessive use of “poetry hands.”
    NO. Excessive abuse of “poetic licence.”
    ABSOLUTELY NOT! Excessive use of “melancholy.”
    ABSOLUTELY! Excessive use of “dramatic emphasis.”
    YES, and…? They collect obscure words that have not been in circulation for at least 100 years or more.
    NO, NOT TO REBEL, BUT TO TEST! They insert these antediluvian words into conversations just to rebel.
    NO. GOOD BOOKS ARE SUBLIME. They think children’s books are sublime.
    YES…? They refuse to care where the remote is.
    NO. WE HAVE MINDS FOR THAT. All of their furniture are positioned around windows, for them to stare out for hours at a time.
    YES, and…? Your parents will think they are possessed.
    YES, and…? They are possessed.
    MOST LIKELY, YES. You will lose all arguments, or feel so guilty from causing them more emotional pain, you will wish you had lost.
    NO – CRAZY IS INSPIRATIONAL!! They will secretly judge your metaphors.
    YES. They carry a notebook everywhere and let everyone see it but you.
    NO – PENS COME FROM EVERYONE ELSE. LIKE LIGHTERS. They hoard pens and refuse to let you borrow them.
    NONONONO! They are obsessed with incredibly depressing films.
    YES. LIFE IS EVERYWHERE. They listen to every single kind of music you can imagine, even Brazilian monkey howling listening for universal truth.
    NEVER! BOREDOM IS EMINENT. They keep conversations going way too long.
    SURE. You will never know if they agree with you or are just following you down the rabbit hole to see how crazy you are.
    WHAT? NONONO, ONLY YOU! They will visit other rabbit holes.
    NO. SECRETS ARE OVERRATED. They can’t keep secrets. It will come out thinly veiled and mythologized in their poetry.
    WHAT? It takes a least a week to a year for them to form their opinion, and that opinion is subject to change, because they are always questioning themselves.
    BULL! Only English speaking countries think poetry should rhyme! They speak in rhyme all the time.
    NATURALLY! They talk to everyone, which a lot of people find scary, especially at the grocery store.
    NATURALLY NOT! WAR IS MURDER! They don’t understand why if murder, rape, slavery, and genocide are illegal, then why is war legal?
    OKAY, now you are being ridiculous! They actually think people need to be protected from Monsanto, instead of protecting Monsanto.
    POETS OF ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND FASHION – THEY JUST DONT BUY IT. They do not understand why all of a sudden group “X” is hated by everyone.
    OF COURSE! DANDELIONS ARE BEAUTIFUL AND TASTE DELICIOUS! They don’t understand the global threat of Dandelions and why they must be eradicated with toxic chemicals.
    YES. They refuse to care about celebrities.
    WHAT? LABOR DAY IS ONLY IS USA! They are rebels and purposely wear white shoes after Labor Day.
    IDIOT! THEY ARE POETRY – MINIMIZED MUGS! They think espresso machines and tiny cups are magic.
    MAKE UP YOUR MIND! They refuse to #textspeak. They invented #textspeak.
    GOOD CONVERSATION! They will make you empty out your head and heart like junk drawers and question everything in them.
    WHO CAN? They can not live without passion.
    LIVING IS. There will be drama.
    LIVING IS DRAMA. They crave plot twists.
    ASPIRATIONS! Their greatest fear is no one will understand their allusions.
    DIAMONDS ARE CHEAP! They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds.
    WORDS CAN ONLY MIMIC LIFE; NOT REPLICATE IT. Their euphemisms will never measure up.
    ANY WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE! They can only live or visit cities with poetry open mics.
    NOPE. Whatever is wrong, they have a tea for it, and probably a cookie, definitely a wine.
    YOU JERK! They attempt to interject malapropisms into every conversation.
    ITS CALLED GJOSTS. They have their own antagonist and nemesis.
    DORDY! They sneak dord into conversations in an attempt to make it a real word.
    THEY WILL, DO, CAN, AND MUST. They abuse asyndetons.
    DON’T WORRY – THAT’S BULL! JUST LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS! But the most important reason never to date a poet is that poetry is an addiction, and before you know it, you will be the addict in search of your next metaphoric hit of universal truth.
    I WAS NOT: I AM A POET. So, You were warned!

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  7. This is an amusing, witty, accurate and lighthearted piece, but what does being in opposition to Monsanto have to do with poetry, and why is “protecting Monsanto” framed as the default?

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  8. I got this list from a friend who was astonished that there were 50! reasons. So I reposted it on my facebook and didn’t know if you’d get any kind of message that it was making the facebook rounds. Thanks for your brilliant humor!

    Like

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