50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet

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It may sound romantic, but in search of that elusive metaphor, poets can be somewhat  “eccentric.”

  1. If you date a poet everyone will think you are the jerk they are writing about.
  2. You will be the jerk they are writing about.
  3. They have an unnatural affection for book stores and office supply stores.
  4. They have deep conversations with Animals, Clouds, and Grecian Urns.
  5. Excessive use of  “poetry hands.”
  6. Excessive abuse of  “poetic licence.”
  7. Excessive use of  “melancholy.”
  8. Excessive use of  “dramatic emphasis.”
  9. They collect obscure words that have not been in circulation for at least 100 years or more.
  10. They insert these antediluvian words into conversations just to rebel.
  11. They think children’s books are sublime.
  12. They refuse to care where the remote is.
  13. All of their furniture are positioned around windows, for them to stare out for hours at a time.
  14. Your parents will think they are possessed.
  15. They are possessed.
  16. You will lose all arguments, or feel so guilty from causing them more emotional pain, you will wish you had lost.
  17. They will secretly judge your metaphors.
  18. They carry a notebook everywhere and let everyone see it but you.
  19. They hoard pens and refuse to let you borrow them.
  20. They are obsessed with incredibly depressing films.
  21. They listen to every single kind of music you can imagine, even Brazilian monkey howling listening for universal truth.
  22. They keep conversations going way too long.
  23. You will never know if they agree with you or are just following you down the rabbit hole to see how crazy you are.
  24. They will visit other rabbit holes.
  25. They can’t keep secrets.  It will come out thinly veiled and mythologized in their poetry.
  26. It takes a least a week to a year for them to form their opinion, and that opinion is subject to change, because they are always questioning themselves.
  27. They speak in rhyme all the time.
  28. They talk to everyone, which a lot of people find scary, especially at the grocery store.
  29. They don’t understand why if murder, rape, slavery, and genocide are illegal, then why is war legal?
  30. They actually think people need to be protected from Monsanto, instead of protecting Monsanto.
  31. They do not understand why all of a sudden group “X” is hated by everyone.
  32. They don’t understand the global threat of Dandelions and why they must be eradicated the with toxic chemicals.
  33. They refuse to care about celebrities.
  34. They are rebels and purposely wear white shoes after Labor Day.
  35. They think espresso machines and tiny cups are magic.
  36. They refuse to #textspeak.  They invented #textspeak.
  37. They will  make you empty out your head and heart like junk drawers and question everything in them.
  38. They can not live without passion.
  39. There will be drama.
  40. They crave plot twists.
  41.  Their greatest fear is no will understand their allusions.
  42. They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds.
  43. Their euphemisms will never measure up.
  44. They can only live or visit cities with poetry open mics.
  45. Whatever is wrong, they have a tea for it, and probably a cookie, definitely a wine.
  46. They attempt to interject malapropisms into every conversation.
  47. They have their own antagonist and nemesis.
  48. They sneak dord into conversations in an attempt to make it a real word.
  49. They abuse asyndetons.
  50. But the most important reason never to date a poet is that poetry is an addiction, and before you know it, you will be the addict in search of your next metaphoric hit of universal truth.

So, You were warned!

215 thoughts on “50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet

  1. There was a young poet, a female
    She only liked letters, not email
    One fan wrote a mail
    But to just no avail
    The relation was bound thus to derail
    :-)

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  2. Does it matter if you do not exhibit all these characteristics, and if not, can you still proclaim to be a poet, as I did not score 50/50? I do have some other strange person traits, which I could use in exchange, to make the grade. Great post.

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  3. 10 Reasons you should date poets anyway:

    1. They are great in bed.
    2. They will watch the whole chick flick intently, looking for the hidden societal themes.
    3. They will write you love poetry such as you have never felt before.
    4. They will never judge you because the freecreditreport.com pirate is singing your song.
    5. Did I mention they are great in bed?
    6. They do foot rubs (Aye, that’s the rub!)
    7. Whatever they are doing with you, no matter how menial, is special time.
    8. Their dreams remain in the clouds and you are part of their dreams.
    9. They are looking for you, the special person that will forgive them for their faults and see beyond the frail exterior.
    10. When in doubt, please refer to Reason 1.

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  4. Great post! :D I totally agree with a vast majority of your points. With regards to number 9, I think I have used that exact same line in one of my own pieces! However, the last thing I believe poets needed were fifty more reasons for people not to date them!

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  5. Ha! Ha! Ha! :-D Not all poets are like that. But I agree with you on point 17. Those who want to borrow pen, I will lend them cheap pen. Some people don’t return pen after borrow.

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  6. Pingback: 50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet | jessicaslavin

  7. Hilarious in the extreme! More! More! Good to see you are still reading my poetry/haiku/tanka with apparently no ill effects. :) Be good to YOU!

    -R-

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  8. I do love this Betty, although for number 50 I would make it either become one of vow never to love another.
    If you’re a head case poet and you know it raise a glass!

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  9. Now, at last, I know why I stopped being a poet long ago: 1) I do care where the TV remote is because if I can’t find it…I won’t be able to see the end of the episode of Downton Abbey I was watching on Netflix last night, and I’m dying to know if Mary and Matthew will reconcile, and 2) I, occasionally, care who’s fighting on Twitter – a guilty pleasure for certain because it’s always rather amusing when Jen and Angelina are spatting or Donald and any number of starlets/talk show hosts, etc., and 3) I haven’t had time to stare out a window since college unless it’s my car window, and I’m glaring at a red light hoping to annoy it into finally switching to GREEN, so that I can go on with my life instead of watching myself grow older in an intersection…

    ANYWHO…thanks for sharing, and I absolutely LOVE this line: “They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds….” – very elegant and very poetic.

    Best,
    TB

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  10. This is BRILLIANT! 17, 20 & 21 are especially true for me … and 47 too!
    The Brazilian Monkey Howling music drives hubby crazy … and the aposiopesis drives email recipients crazy. And hey, I learned something … didn’t know there was a name for the dots …

    Love this!

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  11. As a poet I think it’s great but many would become become irate. I would have added two more to clear making the same number of weeks in a year but having said that when all is done your poem was really good fun !!

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  12. Pingback: 50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet | Sylvia Gardner Writes

  13. Very good and funny, but one little plea – could you please change that “allot of people” in #28 to ‘a lot of people’?

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  14. I am one of the people, poets. I apologize to friends not to really apologize but to see your reaction to my apologize so I can analyze your reaction to my apologize so I can write about the time you reacted to my apology that was only meant in the first place to get a reaction from the apology.

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  15. Pingback: 50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet | BUTTERFLIES OF TIME

  16. wow! that is a great blog. But I have no idea why every poet is a target (spare some, please! Haha). Most of the things I read were true, the rest looked like “coming from an experience”. Whatever the tone, the case, I think you nailed it. Thumbs up! Cheers.

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  17. I love this so much that I had to find it again by going through my tweets to see where I RTd it! I have bookmarked you now so that I will never lose you again. You have described much of me, and though I don’t need a date, I know I am difficult to say the least. Thanks for creating such a spot on list!

    Like

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